Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Greg Hemphill: "under lock and key"

From Och Aye The News at BBC Scotlandshire:
Greg Hemphill under lock & key after Twitter meltdown
By Ellenback Broadfud, Our SLAB Health Correspondent and Jackie Baillie's BFF

Hemphill
Hemphill "Sectioned not Separate"
Family and friends of Greg Hemphill last night voiced concern for the comedy genius following a Twitter separatist rant-a-thon meltdown that was directed, quite unfairly, at spoof broadcasting channel the BBC.Speculation grows that the 43 year old Greg Hemphill is under close medical supervision after a vociferous and highly unwarranted attack on the satirical BBC website, the iPlayer – a cheap knockoff of this channel's ayePlayer - closely followed by insane ramblings related to "independence".
The comedian said bosses were "stifling" Scottish culture by only showing English content on the network's world service. Hemphill claimed that BBC iPlayer does not allow audiences outside of the UK to watch any Scottish content, comparing the broadcaster to former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher.
Hemphill Tweeted for hours in a demented outpouring of rage against the BBC and its iPlayer, complaining that only material made in London was available outwith Scotland, having clearly failed to realise that the 'i' in 'iPlayer' stands for Ingerlund.

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Examples of the madness tweeted at the height of his rant
In his deranged tweets, Mr Hemphill referenced the London BBC Blue Tick, which BBC Scotlandshire believes to be a small insect that attaches itself to grazing animals and tourists. Also known as the Clegg, it is very similar to, but not related to, the Deputy Prime Minister.It has been theorised that the Blue Tick's bite causes a medical condition called "Separatist Nutter Pandemic" in a small percentage of the population. The disorder is said to have symptoms which include pro-separation anxiety and rampant anti-English paranoia.
This BBC Scotlandshire reporter has learned Mr Hemphill was detained in hospital under the Mental Health Act, thanks to an order signed by a Dr. Richard Simpson MSP, when it became apparent the comic was suffering from an advanced case of SNP. Apparently he was heard to scream, "You can section me, but you'll never take my freeeeedooooom!" as he was being locked up.
BBC Scotlandshire contacted Mr Hemphill's former comedy partner Ford Kiernan who immediately demonstrated the kind of concern we should all express for those suffering from SNP:
"That fanny bawz can stew in his ane shite fur aw ah care!"

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Jackie B from Dumbarton expresses her anonymous concerns
One minor acquaintance of a friend of a friend of Mr Hemphill, who has asked to be identified simply as Jackie B from Dumbarton, has expressed concern about the care available to sufferers of swivel-eyed separatism:"It is no coincidence that this separatist SNP disease has reached epidemic proportions under the lying scheming dictatorship of Wee King Eck the curry-muncher," said Jackie.
"Nicola Sturgeon failed to prevent the epidemic from starting when she was the Health Secretary and under Alex Neil's supervision it is now a public health disaster. Infection rates for SNP have never been as high as they are now, with Scotlandshire being the most likely place to catch SNP in the entire EU," she added.
"I'm shocked to have found out that the Scotlandshire Government has rewritten the waiting target guarantee rules to ensure SNP does not require treatment until after Autumn 2014," she chipped in.
After stalking the Scotlandshire Government's Health Secretary for a week – well you never know what other dirt can be dug up - this correspondent pounced to ask about Mr Hemphill and the spread of SNP.

zara
Lady Zara Unpaid-Intern wetuhns
Mr Neil commented:"Let me assure you that having a pro-independence mindset is not a mental health issue."
"The Scottish Government takes mental health very seriously and is putting record levels of funding into services to help those affected by a range of mental health conditions."
Speaking off the record, he had the audacity to criticise the professionalism of this reporter. Here at BBC Scotlandshire we don't do "off the record" so here's what he said:
"Ellenback, is it no aboot time to stop just topin' and tailin' Labour Party press releases? Your big pal Jackie is takin' those lies too far, so just gonnae no dae it!"
We spoke to the controller of subtitles Lady Zara Unpaid-Intern about Hemphill's concerns. Her Ladyship told us:
"If we weah to allow pwogwams made in Scotchland for a Scotch audiance to be ay-ahd in mow-awh civilised pahts of the wuld, no-one would undehstand them, and this would give entiahly the wong impwession of the BBC and the Ingwish, pawticulawly to foweignehs.
"Scotch people have such stwong accints, and speak using stwange wuds. We should need to subtitle evwything, and most of the sense of the twansmisions would be lost in twanslation. In any case, theah would be no demand foh this sott of pwogwam outside Gwasgow.

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Labour's Ian Davidson MP issues a dire warning
Ian Davidson MP, Govan's Big Man in Westminster and Chairchoob of the Scottish Home Affairs committee for Sad Wankers Eternally Dreaming of Getting Independence Nullified warned off Mr Hemphill when he growled:"Thur's only wan man big enough tae gie oot doins tae the BBC in Scoatlandshire and it's no that clown Hemphill! An, he'll be getting wan humsell if he disnae drap aw that Twee'erin' shite".
Johann Lamont-Davidson, Labour's leader in Scotlandshire, was unavailable for comment as she was busy cleaning up the fallout from member's affairs elsewhere in Glesgatoon City Cooncil.

Correspondent Request to Unionist Moaners

This correspondent is VERY interested in hearing from any SNP sufferer who has experienced problems getting to see a health professional within the Scotlandshire Government’s 18 weeks waiting time guarantee.
Please use the Moan form to contact me

Source (including images): BBC Scotlandshire

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