From Och Aye The News at BBC Scotlandshire:
Greg Hemphill under lock & key after Twitter meltdown
By Ellenback Broadfud, Our SLAB Health Correspondent and Jackie Baillie's BFF
Hemphill "Sectioned not Separate"
Family
and friends of Greg Hemphill last night voiced concern for the comedy
genius following a Twitter separatist rant-a-thon meltdown that was
directed, quite unfairly, at spoof broadcasting channel the BBC.Speculation grows that the 43 year old Greg Hemphill is under close
medical supervision after a vociferous and highly unwarranted attack on
the satirical BBC website, the iPlayer – a cheap knockoff of this
channel's ayePlayer - closely followed by insane ramblings related to
"independence".
The comedian said bosses were "stifling" Scottish culture by only
showing English content on the network's world service. Hemphill claimed
that BBC iPlayer does not allow audiences outside of the UK to watch
any Scottish content, comparing the broadcaster to former Tory leader
Margaret Thatcher.
Hemphill Tweeted for hours in a demented outpouring of rage against
the BBC and its iPlayer, complaining that only material made in London
was available outwith Scotland, having clearly failed to realise that
the 'i' in 'iPlayer' stands for Ingerlund.
Examples of the madness tweeted at the height of his rant
In
his deranged tweets, Mr Hemphill referenced the London BBC Blue Tick,
which BBC Scotlandshire believes to be a small insect that attaches
itself to grazing animals and tourists. Also known as the Clegg, it is
very similar to, but not related to, the Deputy Prime Minister.It has been theorised that the Blue Tick's bite causes a medical
condition called "Separatist Nutter Pandemic" in a small percentage of
the population. The disorder is said to have symptoms which include
pro-separation anxiety and rampant anti-English paranoia.
This BBC Scotlandshire reporter has learned Mr Hemphill was detained
in hospital under the Mental Health Act, thanks to an order signed by a
Dr. Richard Simpson MSP, when it became apparent the comic was suffering
from an advanced case of SNP. Apparently he was heard to scream, "You
can section me, but you'll never take my freeeeedooooom!" as he was
being locked up.
BBC Scotlandshire contacted Mr Hemphill's former comedy partner Ford
Kiernan who immediately demonstrated the kind of concern we should all
express for those suffering from SNP:
"That fanny bawz can stew in his ane shite fur aw ah care!"
Jackie B from Dumbarton expresses her anonymous concerns
One
minor acquaintance of a friend of a friend of Mr Hemphill, who has
asked to be identified simply as Jackie B from Dumbarton, has expressed
concern about the care available to sufferers of swivel-eyed separatism:"It is no coincidence that this separatist SNP disease has reached
epidemic proportions under the lying scheming dictatorship of Wee King
Eck the curry-muncher," said Jackie.
"Nicola Sturgeon failed to prevent the epidemic from starting when
she was the Health Secretary and under Alex Neil's supervision it is now
a public health disaster. Infection rates for SNP have never been as
high as they are now, with Scotlandshire being the most likely place to
catch SNP in the entire EU," she added.
"I'm shocked to have found out that the Scotlandshire Government has
rewritten the waiting target guarantee rules to ensure SNP does not
require treatment until after Autumn 2014," she chipped in.
After stalking the Scotlandshire Government's Health Secretary for a
week – well you never know what other dirt can be dug up - this
correspondent pounced to ask about Mr Hemphill and the spread of SNP.
Lady Zara Unpaid-Intern wetuhns
Mr Neil commented:"Let me assure you that having a pro-independence mindset is not a mental health issue."
"The Scottish Government takes mental health very seriously and is
putting record levels of funding into services to help those affected by
a range of mental health conditions."
Speaking off the record, he had the audacity to criticise the
professionalism of this reporter. Here at BBC Scotlandshire we don't do
"off the record" so here's what he said:
"Ellenback, is it no aboot time to stop just topin' and tailin'
Labour Party press releases? Your big pal Jackie is takin' those lies
too far, so just gonnae no dae it!"
We spoke to the controller of subtitles Lady Zara Unpaid-Intern about Hemphill's concerns. Her Ladyship told us:
"If we weah to allow pwogwams made in Scotchland for a Scotch
audiance to be ay-ahd in mow-awh civilised pahts of the wuld, no-one
would undehstand them, and this would give entiahly the wong impwession
of the BBC and the Ingwish, pawticulawly to foweignehs.
"Scotch people have such stwong accints, and speak using stwange
wuds. We should need to subtitle evwything, and most of the sense of the
twansmisions would be lost in twanslation. In any case, theah would be
no demand foh this sott of pwogwam outside Gwasgow.
Labour's Ian Davidson MP issues a dire warning
Ian
Davidson MP, Govan's Big Man in Westminster and Chairchoob of the
Scottish Home Affairs committee for Sad Wankers Eternally Dreaming of
Getting Independence Nullified warned off Mr Hemphill when he growled:"Thur's only wan man big enough tae gie oot doins tae the BBC in
Scoatlandshire and it's no that clown Hemphill! An, he'll be getting wan
humsell if he disnae drap aw that Twee'erin' shite".
Johann Lamont-Davidson, Labour's leader in Scotlandshire, was
unavailable for comment as she was busy cleaning up the fallout from
member's affairs elsewhere in Glesgatoon City Cooncil.
Correspondent Request to Unionist Moaners
This correspondent is VERY interested in hearing from any SNP
sufferer who has experienced problems getting to see a health
professional within the Scotlandshire Government’s 18 weeks waiting time
guarantee.
Please use the Moan form to contact me
Source (including images):
BBC Scotlandshire
